the perils of not being a total hermit

a quick update before my brain runs out...the Silent Scribble continues and an embarrassment of creative riches

capturing how i feel

I feel like I haven’t written here in ages…though I did my monthly update for my paid subscribers…but still, Substack feels like unfamiliar territory again. I hardly even recognize the stuff in my inbox — like, who are these people and why am I being shown their work? Oh yeah, because I wanted to see it.

Anyway.

It seems I may have, in my perpetual habit of overestimating my capacities, spread myself a bit too thin.

The Evidence:

1. I’m working on the first draft of my next novel - Hazel 2 (not the actual title, obvs). It’s sitting at just over 60,000 words, so roughly halfway and it’s got the lion’s share of my time and energy. It’s going really well and I’m thoroughly enjoying it but the generative phase of a writing project is massively demanding. I’m doing Sarra Cannon’s Rough Draft Challenge (an alternative to the November-writing-challenge-that-shall-not-be-named) and have decided on a goal of 50,000 words. Possibly a bit ambitious, but it’s something to aim for and will go a long way to getting this first draft done by the end of the year.

2. I’m participating in a writing class - sort of a combination writing/philosophy of creativity type thing and there’s a LOT of assigned reading (which I LOVE) and requires some really deep and reflective thinking (also a favourite) and taking part in really interesting conversations. This is A LOT and I’m starting to flounder. I’ve opted to not attend the lecture and discussions live anymore and am watching the replays. My sparkly brain just canNOT handle busy Zoom calls.

3. I’m simultaneously doing an art journal class - the focus of which dovetails beautifully with the writing class…very intuition-based, plumbing the depths of our inner world etc etc. I haven’t ‘art journaled’ in a really long time, for a multitude of reasons that I’m too tired to go into just now - but I’ve had my eye on this class for a few years now and it only opens up once a year. This year, the time (though maybe not the timing) was right. It has not disappointed and I’m so glad I took the leap. The down-side is that there’s a huge ‘social’ component — circling with my course-mates in that most dreaded domain - Facebook 😩. I say ‘down-side’ only in the context of its energy requirement; being able to gather with these wonderful and brave people is such a gift and I’m very grateful for it. AND, it’s draining my social battery dry on the daily. Too much screen time is just not my friend.

So those are the creative things which are taxing my resources. Not a terrible problem to have, I know, but definitely contributing to my state of weariness and overwhelm.

On top of those is The State of the World, the US election (soooo pervasive) and some family stuff (Eldest’s mental health is wobbling again and that’s obviously very worrying)

All of those things together — the wonderful and the not-so-wonderful, are adding up to me feeling a teensy bit frayed around the edges.

A detail from an exercise in the journal class….we’re pulling shapes from a painted background as a way to access our unconscious mind. My unconscious is throwing up some seriously weird shit

Side note: Is it weird to feel overwhelmed by good things? I’m really excited about my writing and the classes I’m taking, I feel like I’ve hit a burst of creative energy that I haven’t experienced for a long time…AND I sometimes want to shut it all off and walk away. Not in a turn-my-back-on-it-forever way, just in a this-is-too-much-too-fast-stop-the-world-I-want-to-get-off way. It’s all swings and roundabouts.

Additional side note: Two great words/phrases I came across in my current read (The Castle of Otranto, if you’re curious):

“Have done with this rhapsody of impertinence” ←- I shall endeavour to use this in conversation at the soonest possible opportunity

and weltschmertz:

1. mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state

2. a mood of sentimental sadness

I feel like I exist in a near-constant state of weltschmertz these days.

I may have been reading too much Gothic fiction. *picture me prostrate on a chaise, hand clasped limply to my forehead*

But enough of this self-indulgent whinge!

NEWS:

The Silent Scribble is ongoing.

I’d initially thought to do it on a six-week trial but as it caught on so swimmingly and is, indeed, a highlight of my writing week, the sessions will be continuing. I have them scheduled through to December 18th, at which point we’ll break for the Christmas holidays and will reconvene in the new year. I value these companionable and productive hours so much, especially with my social battery having run so low. It’s nice to be with people, but not have to talk to them. 😉

Also…the Sunday Scribble was supposed to re-materialize on November 10th…I’m hoping that will still happen. But it might not.

I’m also going to let myself off the hook from posting here for the next while…all of my creative energy is going into my manuscript and my classes, as it should be, and I don’t want to stretch it even more thinly. Both classes are done by early December so I should have some brain-cells freeing up by then.

I wanted to be intentional about this pause - make it a conscious decision to prioritize - rather than just lapsing into silence and self-flagellation.

There was a time when I would have let this mean something about my worth or my ability to sustain my creative life - the fact that I was falling behind or feeling overwhelmed would be proof to myself that I wasn’t cut out for this life. It would be very easy for me to berate myself for overestimating what I could manage, or the fact that I’m not able to do as much as I once found effortless. And, to be perfectly honest, those thoughts have drifted briefly through my mind.

But none of that is true.

I’m no longer subscribing to the kind of toxic productivity that’s so often cleverly disguised as “dedication” or “perseverance”.

So on that note…and because I don’t have a clever conclusion or actionable take-away for you… I will bid you adieu!

until next time,

~m. xo