writer, know thyself

figuring out what's mine and what isn't

There are a lot of things you need to know to write novels. A lot. And even more if you decide to pursue publication — either traditionally or independently.

(I was going to list them all but that seems like it would take too long and if you’re a writer, you kind of know this already).

Despite the rather lengthy list of things we need to master, I would argue that the most important thing we need to know to be a writer, is ourselves. Without self-knowledge, we can acquire all of the technical skills in the world and we still won’t be able to create a rewarding and sustainable career¹. (Ask me how I know this)

disclaimers:

1. I really don’t like making these kinds of grandiose statements — there’s no one-size-fits-all solution to any creative struggle — but this is something I feel really, really strongly about and have the lived experience to back up my opinion.

2. Also, I’m going to be referring to personality typing and if that’s not your cup of tea, no problem. I think this philosophy is useful no matter how you choose to delve into your self-understanding (and I do think that it would benefit you to do so)…whether that be through specific profiles (Enneagram, Myers-Briggs, Clifton Strengths, Human Design etc) or professional therapy, self-reflection and the like. There’s a lot to be said for straightforward journaling.

I should also add here that I use personality profiles simply as a jumping-off point for further self-reflection and I don’t consider them prescriptive in and of themselves. There’s always room for nuance in individual circumstance.

3. I find myself leaning most into the Enneagram and Clifton Strengths these days as they make the most sense to me but I am in no way an expert in either area. This is simply my experience.

Right, now that’s out of the way…

My creative struggles thus far can almost exclusively be chalked up to a lack of self-knowledge; more specifically, from having not identified my creative values. I’ve tried — over and over again — to force myself into routines and strategies that didn’t fit and then found myself getting frustrated when things didn’t work out as I’d hoped, only to keep trying to force myself into routines and strategies that didn’t fit (isn’t that the definition of stupidity? Or is it madness? Depends who you ask. Either way…). I eventually had enough self-awareness to recognize this ridiculous cycle and so I’ve spent the last couple of years with my head down in books and in my journal in an effort to figure out exactly what my problem is and how to fix it. (This preoccupation with my defectiveness is very Enneagram Four of me!) and what I’ve discovered is that I’ve been chronically misaligned for my entire creative journey.

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How I lost the plot

If you accept that we’re all very different creatures, then you also have to accept that what works for one person, won’t necessarily work for the next. Unless of course, like me, you’re a certainty-seeker (Intellection is one of my top five Clifton Strengths…Intellection LOVES certainty). Combine that with another top five — Input — and you’ve got a big, misaligning mess waiting to happen.

I had no idea what was entailed in self-publishing back in 2015. I didn’t even think it was a thing that you could do until a co-worker, when hearing I once did some writing², suggested I look into it. She recommended a couple of podcasts — The Worried Writer by Sarah Painter and The Creative Penn by Joanna Penn. Sarah retired her podcast a couple of years ago, but The Creative Penn is still (I think) going strong. Friends, I gobbled this up. And everything else I found in the subsequently huge rabbit hole I fell down. I desperately wanted out of my day-job and everything I was hearing suggested that enormous riches were a mere click away. My brain went wild for the learning and the possibilities and, because I was looking for certainty and had nothing else to compare the information to, I assumed that everything I was hearing and learning about self-publishing was non-negotiable. That included things like rapid-release, building social media platforms and learning how to manipulate algorithms. At that point, desperate and miserable, I was happy to jump through whatever hoops I was shown if it meant I could quit my job and do something I loved instead.

(We’re just going to skip the gory details from the intervening years to bring us to 2020 when I began the re-release of my four books.)

I’d learned a lot over those four years, mostly about the indie publishing industry and how it’s as filthy with morally-grey people peddling get-rich-quick schemes and strategies as every other online niche. Everyone had an opinion about what you HAD to do in order to succeed. When I attempted these things (many of them half-heartedly because misalignment) and they didn’t work, it made me bitter and jaded. It also made me question whether I was really cut out for publishing books after all (cue Enneagram Four existential wringing of despairing hands).

literally, me

After re-releasing my books and ending up in a massive state of burnout (still using other people’s strategies here, ie. rapid release) and achieving less than the conventional markers of ‘success’, I really began to convince myself I was failing in some crucial and unfixable way (because of my inherent defectiveness ←- so, so tiresome).

It took a few kind and encouraging emails from readers to make me stop and think about what was really important to me, what it was that I really wanted and expected from self-publishing. The fact that my stories really seemed to hit home for people, that they enjoyed them and felt seen and encouraged and transported struck a nerve in me. I saw that that’s why I wanted to write, I wanted to create that experience for people. That felt like really important information. It was enough to keep me hanging on. It made me want to sort out myself and my dysfunctional relationship with my creativity. So that’s what I’ve been doing since I released Sea Bride in 2021…figuring that stuff out. Not only figuring it out, but healing from the damage I did to myself and my self-belief from years of misalignment with my creative values.

So what does all this mean?

It means that I don’t just want to write stories, I want to create worlds that people can lose themselves in. Then maybe find themselves.

It means that although I want my writing to pay for itself, and then some, when I put monetary gain ahead of creative freedom, I self-destruct. There’s no negotiating with my values on this one.

It means I’m probably always going to be writing on the same or similar themes — belonging, identity, purpose, (self)acceptance — and that’s perfectly okay. There’s a world of possibility there.

It means I’m unlikely to be ‘writing to market’. Writing stories is a way for me to understand myself and the world around me. That doesn’t often include shapeshifting werewolves or {insert whatever is on trend at the moment…I don’t even know!}. That also means my books are less easy to market and therefore less likely to be financial successes (see above re: creative freedom). I’m going to trust that the right people will find them at the right time.³

It means my relationship with my readers is more important to me than how many of them there are. I’m more interested in cultivating genuine delight in the work I have to offer than making a bunch of quick sales.

In more practical terms it also means I’m probably not going to release more than one book a year (if that). I’m also probably never going to use social media to promote my books (I have an aversion to wasting time and energy). It means I know that I write best and most consistently first thing in the morning (5:30am), before I do anything else, so probably won’t participate in writing sprints or other community gatherings. This isolates me further but trying to adjust my routines to other timetables just burned me out. It also means I understand my process better and know when certain ‘advice’ isn’t a good fit for me. I think that last one has saved me hours of heartbreak.

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Figuring this stuff out hasn’t been easy, nor has it been quick. Some of it I figured out a while ago but resisted taking on board; I was still trying to fit someone else’s idea of what writing and publishing fiction looks like because I liked their idea better, usually because it ticked all of the boxes of conventional success— bestselling books, big royalty payments, legions of rabid fans. So it’s meant letting a lot of stuff go -- realizing that there are some things that just aren’t going to work for me. That’s been hard, especially because the ideal is, on the surface, more attractive than the reality. But that’s what got me into trouble in the first place — holding too tightly to that fantasy vision of what I, as an Author, should look like. And when that didn’t materialize, I turned in on myself and assumed I wasn’t capable. (Classic unhealthy Four behaviour).

The only part of that fantasy vision that was true was the part where I was sitting at my desk writing stories. The rest I had to let fall apart so that I could rebuild my expectations in the truth of who I actually am, not who I wished I was.

That might sound defeatist to some, but to me, it’s been extraordinarily empowering. It doesn’t mean I don’t ever struggle (um, hello, Baldric?) but it does mean I know to look for the underlying reason for the struggle, rather than simply assume an innate brokenness or lack of moral fiber. Nine times out of ten, the struggle is coming from misalignment.

The other time, it’s hormonal fu*kwittery.

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“At their best, Type 4s are original, deeply expressive, healing, inspiring, and able to share their authenticity with the world in a profound way.”

Yes, that. That’s my only aspiration at this point. That is the point and one worth dedicating myself to, I think.

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What about you, Dear Reader, have you taken the time to discover your creative values? Are you creating in alignment with yourself? How might things be different if you were?

I invite you to ponder that a bit, see what comes up for you. It could just change everything. 😉

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Some resources:

These have been instrumental in helping me clarify both my creative values and to understand how my brain works (guess what? I’m not broken, just built different 😂):

Becca Syme — her books, videos and Patreon were the things that started it all. I can’t recommend her work highly enough. She works with Clifton Strengths but you don’t necessarily need to be on board with that to get value from her expertise. She’s extremely generous with her knowledge so although she offers some (I imagine) amazing coaching programs, you can benefit without financial obligation.

Reclaim Your Author Career by Claire Taylor - amazing book if you’re into the Enneagram. This one cleared the confusion in a big, big way.

Essentialism by Greg McKeown — not writing related and definitely geared towards the corporate business world and really definitely has a patriarchal bias, BUT, it has transferable wisdom and is the permission slip you might need to cut out the excess busy-work that we’re told we need to do and zero in what really lights you up and will get you where you want to go.

1. This also applies if you’re looking to nurture a dedicated writing practice, or any practice for that matter.

2. Because yes, that’s exactly all I was going on — I once wrote stories and shared them with people. Not exactly a large knowledge base.

3. Very much a ‘if you build it they will come’ attitude…but one I actually believe in